God's Got Me

Health Update & Some Other Thoughts

My last MRI was September 30th at the MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston. The results showed that the small amount of tumor that is left had not grown in size. Everything looks stable, which is the goal of the Clinical Trial that I'm participating in. I got this! Speaking of which...

When people find out that you have cancer they often want to be encouraging and one of the things that I've heard quite frequently is "You got this!" - That's awesome, I love it! It's the kind of inspiration that makes me want to fight. It's motivating... but the truth is that it's not me that's 'got this,' God's got this. And you know what? That's better! I don't got this unless God's got me. 

 

God's got this because He is sovereign over all things and if He wants to cure me He is absolutely capable of doing that. So why hasn't He done that yet? Maybe He's using this to sanctify me and mold me into the man He wants me to be? Maybe He's using it to reach others. It's not for me to know, at least not yet. 

 

I've been thinking a lot lately about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. When King Nebuchadnezzar threatened them because they wouldn't bow before the Golden Statue, their answer was essentially that they knew that their God could save them. They believed that He would. But even if He didn't, they would not serve other Gods and abandon Him. 

I like that: I know He can save me, I believe He will save me, but even if He doesn't I still trust in His Sovereign plan. God is good, all the time!

 

 

Not Alone

This morning I am headed in for brain surgery by myself, and yet I am not alone. I know that God is with me. And I know that you are all lifting me up in prayer. I am so very thankful for your prayers and support and for a God who does not leave his children alone. I still wish that Candis could be there with me, she is such a source of strength for me. To be completely honest, I am terrified. It’s bizarre to think that in a few hours my skull will be opened up and someone will poke around in there with a scalpel. The good news is he should have plenty of space to work! 

So as I walk over to the hospital for my tumor-ectomy (not the official medical term) I am comforted by these verses: 

Psalm 23: 4 “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” 

Matt 28: 20b “... And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

Please pray through Psalm 116 with me today. It has spoken to me deeply in so many different ways. 

Live Like you are Dying

Something fortunate has happened: I have brain cancer and you're here reading about it. (The 'something fortunate' was fortunate for you, not for me.)

Why is it fortunate for you that I have brain cancer? Because you can learn from my experience. God is teaching me to live like I'm dying, to live with the end in mind. That's easier to do when you have a terminal disease and you can see the end in sight, but it doesn't require that. Don't wait for it to be you, to start living like your death is inevitable, because your death is inevitable. Use my situation as a thought experiment and imagine what it might be like if it was you. The truth is we don’t know how much time we have left, and God could call our number at any moment. We all know somewhere in the back of our minds that we can die suddenly, but we tend not to dwell on it because it's uncomfortable. But it's a gift that we're given to realize that death is waiting right around the corner. It gives us a chance to really live.

"Every man dies, not every man really lives" - William Wallace

Contemplating my own shortened life span has helped me to see that I should live like my death is coming quickly, because according to some doctors, it is! You're not in the same boat (hopefully), but it doesn't mean that you can't learn from my situation and live like you're dying.

What does it look like to live like you’re dying? It means enjoying the good things that God has blessed us with. For me it has meant telling my family how much I love and appreciate them. It has meant I try to spend less time telling them I’m too busy and more time giving my attention when requested, because even if this is all the time I get I wouldn’t trade my family and my lot in life for anyone else’s. Many of you feel the same way about your own families, but have you told them that?

The sooner we recognize that our time here is limited, the sooner we can start living the way God wants us to. The sooner you realize that this life is but a vapor in comparison to what's coming next, the sooner you can begin to live with the next life in mind. The next life will be infinitely longer than this one, so worry less about storing up earthly treasures and store up treasures in heaven. ‭

“They are to do good, to be rich in good works, to be generous and ready to share, thus storing up treasure for themselves as a good foundation for the future, so that they may take hold of that which is truly life.” - 1 Timothy‬ ‭6:18-19‬ ‭

I encourage you to spend a few uncomfortable moments thinking about how you would live if you were told you only had a short time to live. What can you do to invest in heavenly treasures? What are the things that you wish you would've said to your family and loved ones? Say them now. What are the things that you wish you would've done? Do them now. And make sure to enjoy the good things from God along the way.

The Guy with Dope Scars in his Hair

Today (May 3rd) is exactly 1 year since I found out that I had a brain tumor. That was the day that "my life got flipped, turned upside down," to quote the Fresh Prince. Also, I have a lot of time on my hands in quarantine and I'm really bored. How bored? This bored:

Gorilla Ice

With everyone all locked up in quarantine I thought I'd share this little confession (and video) in the hopes that it will brighten your day. About 11 years ago I ran a race where everyone dressed up as a gorilla to support some gorilla conservation/protection fund. Before the race began, I filmed myself dancing to Ice Ice Baby while wearing the gorilla costume. Please enjoy a laugh at my younger self's expense. 

Sorry the video is so long (almost 4 minutes!), but let's face it you'll watch anything at this point in quarantine. I dare say this isn't even the weirdest thing you've watched in quarantine. 

Expiration Date

Today, April 6th 2020 is my expiration date. Or so I'm told. How does one get an expiration date? More on that in a moment. First, some good news to share.

Background: Candis and I recently received a referral to MD Anderson (generally considered one of the best cancer centers in the country) and we've been waiting to hear back from them for several weeks. It felt like months.

Good News: Yesterday (on a Sunday evening, no less) one of the top neurosurgeons from MD Anderson called us and informed us that he was looking at all my MRIs and suggested that things may not be as bad as we'd previously been led to believe. He suggested that a second surgery may still be needed, but it's not urgent and should be postponed until after this whole COVID-19 stuff blows over. Then he asked us to take down his personal cell phone number and to call him if we needed anything! We were flabbergasted! Gobsmacked even! God is good. 

God has been teaching us to wait on the Lord, to wait on His good timing. It has been difficult. Recently I began praying much like the Psalmist:

"How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? 
How long will you hide your face from me? … 
Consider and answer me, O LORD my God; 
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death," - Psalm 13: 1,3

And again in Psalm 69: 17 - 

"Hide not your face from your servant, for I am in distress; make haste to answer me."

Not from a spirit of impatience towards God's good timing, but in the spirit of complete dependence upon God and an overwhelming desire to hear His answer.

This good news is better than Candis and I dared to hope for and I am reminded of the Apostle Paul's words to the Ephesians: "Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen." - Eph 3: 20-21

It's an incredible thought that our God is able to do more than we can ask or think, but He proves that to be the case in our lives.

 

Now, about that expiration date... 

After the surgery to remove my brain tumor last year on May 6th the surgeon informed Candis (while I was still under anesthesia) that my life expectancy was 11 months. By my calculation that makes today my 'best before' date. I think it's probably stamped on the bottom of my foot somewhere.

Several weeks later after the pathology report came back the doctors granted me an extended life expectancy, but we lived with that 11 month timeframe in the back of our minds for a while. Fortunately for me, my time isn't 'granted' by doctors, or determined by tumors, but by God. For that I am forever thankful.  

Cancer Patient Problems

I Blame the Drugs

You know one of the great things about having brain cancer? OK, nothing. Nothing is really great about it, but here's one of the benefits: Anytime I don't feel like doing anything I can blame it on the drugs I'm taking, or the treatments I'm undergoing, or the cancer itself and everyone just nods along sympathetically. "Yeah, that must suck," everyone assumes.

If I have an outburst of rage? That's probably just a side effect of some drug I'm on.
If I can't motivate myself to get out of bed, just a side effect of the anti-seizure meds.
When I don't want to be hospitable and compassionate to others it's probably just because I'm stressed out about my own hardships.
When I'm irrationally angry about some minutia, just a side effect of the cancer, have some compassion on me, man!
When I don't want to be loving, and caring towards my family or towards others? Cut me some slack I have brain cancer!

What about me?
It isn't fair,
I've had enough now I want my share,
Can't you see,
I wanna live,
But you just take more than you give!
#AwfulSong

If you're reading this and you've made it this far then the chances are that you know me personally (otherwise why would you still be reading?) so I'm asking you to not be sympathetic and to not let me get away with these things. Don't accept any excuses. It doesn't matter what drugs I'm on or what side effects I claim that they're having. It doesn't matter what hardships I'm facing myself. I am a disciple of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ and I'm called to be more and more like Jesus every day. If nothing can separate me from the love of Christ (Rom 8: 35) then nothing ought to be able to separate me from fulfilling my duty to reciprocate Christ's love to the world. Certainly not something like brain cancer that God is fully in control of. So don't accept any excuses from me, especially when I'm feeling sorry for myself.